Pauline Bunyon

The good news is I made $825 doing freelance proofreading this weekend. The bad news is I worked nearly ALL WEEKEND. Relaxing. Whoo! Thank goodness I am back at work where I can unwind. I will blog, or "bog," as Renee's mother would say, when I get home tonight. I have to tell you about:

1. Wearing my mother's girdle because I desperately need new underwear.
2. Our bird who grew up and flew away.
3. Dan and Renee's going away party. I shot Coca-Cola out my nose in front of Dan and Renee's friends.
4. A bunch of other crap that I can't think of because I am exhausted from working all weekend.
5. Oh! And my bunion. Because I just get sexier.

Meet me in St. LOUis

My coworker Lou is annoyed that I never mention him in my blog, which is technically untrue, as he was one of the better players on my ill-fated softball team experience. So I mentioned him as part of a group.

Lou always looks like he is about to say something funny. I guess you could describe his expression as bemused, which he probably is, as he has worked for our company forever and has seen it all. Also, I know about 10 people who would quit on the spot if he ever left. Plus also too, his wife rocks.

So, go **Lou**.

Now that I have made Lou happy, I can tell you that I have gotten very lucky in the clothes department lately. Someone in my last post asked if my clothes were getting tiresome. Well, yes. I think probably more tiresome for the people who have to see me every day. Maybe they don't notice me as much as I'd like to think, but someone out there HAS to be saying, "Oh for heaven's sake. Is she rocking those Lucky jeans AGAIN?"

Last Friday, I got a large box from my Aunt Mary, and do you know I was so exhausted and flustered (or flusterated, as Marvin's old coworker used to say) from work that I LEFT that box on the porch till Saturday? I forgot about it! But when I opened it, my Aunt Mary, who similarly rocks like Lou's wife, got me a whole bunch of really good clothes. A long-ish khaki skirt, a blue stripy kind of shorter shirt (should I write fashion articles? Don't you feel like I'm modeling for you, these descriptions are so good?) a sexy wraparound black top and three white shirts that are all crisp and summery and oh! I felt cute for the first time all year wearing those.

Then yesterday I was having an equally flusterating day at work and my thin coworker left me a little pink square on my desk. I am sad to report it took me like three hours to even find the time to unfold it (seriously, it was like an ER in there yesterday. Without that girl from Bend it Like Beckham.), but when I did it was the prettiest Indian sort of peasant blouse. It has little sparkly mirrored things on it, too. I am making it sound like that thing you put on elephants at the circus, but trust me, it is pretty.

And I guess you could also count the lovely sweater my best friend sent me, which she was mortified to receive for her birthday. It is so awful that she sent it to me and dared me to wear it to work, so I did, and someone actually said, "That's a cute sweater!" It had HEART buttons. And shoulder pads.

So the good news is, my coworkers have gotten to see me in all new clothes all week. Even Lou.

Back to our regularly scheduled topic

which is not spending, in case you have forgotten. I wanted to tell you that for the first time, ever, in my makeup-y life, I have used up an entire eyeliner pencil. It was a dark brown one.

So I dug around and I will now be using a dark green one, which seemed like a great idea at the time, which was probably 2005, when I was footloose and spending freely. "Oh, how WHIMSICAL! A green eye pencil! A splash of color!"

Now it will be my everyday pencil till it runs out. I am going to go around looking vaguely like the puppet Madame.

You know, if you actually USE the same makeup every DAY, it actually gets used up pretty quickly. I have used up at least two lipsticks this year too.

Not to mention, I am going to need to buy me some delicates soon too. We do have a new underwear clause in this agreement, you know.

That's all. Again, only interesting to the women and the drag queens. I'll try to talk about spitting and football tomorrow.

Red state, red hair

Okay, I am finally home and have no new dead bird stories, so I can now tell you how we are moving from a city of 3 million people to a town of 3,000.

Marvin Gardens got his teaching credential in December of 2005, and he started looking for teaching jobs in L.A. even before that. You know that crap about "they need teachers"? Yeah, not so much. He could not get one teaching job in the L.A. area.

You know what's annoying? When I tell people this and they say, "really?" in an incredulous way, like Marvin Gardens has been PRETENDING to interview for teaching positions for almost two years. Yes, really. It is apparently quite difficult to get a teaching job here now if you have not taught before. Go on Marvin's blog if you really want all that guff.

For a while, I have been wondering if he is a poor interview or something. But he is very smart and articulate and he looks like a normal person, so I couldn't quite decide what he must be doing wrong. Was he wearing his "I Hate Children" T-shirt to the interview?

Marvin's teaching credential also works in North Carolina, which I have been to before and liked. Marvin kept getting emails about teacher's job fairs in North Carolina so finally he went to one last week. Yes, he spent money.

He left Monday night, and Tuesday morning I was in Beverly Hills in the midst of my interminable commute to work and he called. He had already gotten a job.

So, good job, L.A. Here was a person who would have taught your kids with originality and passion. Here was a man who would have been a good role model, who would have been a permanent, positive influence on your children. Fortunately, North Carolina saw that right away.

After he secured the job, he found us a house to rent. It has hardwood floors, four bedrooms, a fireplace, two bathrooms (which we have not had since 1998) and it is set in a woodsy yard. The price? $600 a month.

That's A THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH less than we pay now.

So I gave a 6- to 10-week notice at my job. The other proofreader is still out herniating his disc or whatever and I want to make this as easy for them as possible. Marvin has to be in North Carolina by August 1, but if I have to stay at work until the end of August, I will.

Beyond that, I have offered to freelance for them once I get to this little town. It's 50 miles outside of Charlotte, but I do NOT want to move all the way there for another hour-long commute. I freelanced for years, and I think I can get some clients back. And my L.A. rates will take me further in a small town.

It is all very exciting and yet I am terrified. I hate change. Here, in no particular order, is a list of a few of the things I have worried about:

I will get no work and we will starve to death.

I will have to work at 7-Eleven.

I will have anaphylactic shock for the first time ever and there will not be a hospital close enough and I will fall over dead.

I will find a rattlesnake in the bathtub.

At least these are rational fears.

I think we'll be fine leaving L.A. It's not like I am clamoring to break into the movies or gee, will I miss those desert hikes. On Saturday afternoon, Renee and I went to a wedding. I left my house at 4:30, the wedding was at 6:00, and do you know we were TEN MINUTES LATE to the wedding? Fortunately no one does things on time here so the ceremony hadn't started. But almost two hours to go 27 miles? Come ON. With Renee leaving for Maui in a month and me going to a place where I will never see an automobile again, that stupid traffic was just what we needed to tell us we are doing the right thing.

Oh, and I will enclose photos from said wedding, so you can see my hair. Perhaps you are wondering what I am doing in that Being John Malkovich crawling through the window shot. Or perhaps you are wondering if they showed the wedding video on my butt, as clearly they could have. Using the wide-screen feature, too. But I do like my new red color.

That's the story. Sorry you had to wait for my bird trauma to abate before you heard it.

One of my birds died.

I know I am supposed to talk about my quitting my job and my hair and our move and our lives, but when I got home tonight I did what I always do, which is go to the back porch and look at my nest. When I got there, one of the baby birds was on the ground, dead.

Online it says when the birds get bigger they get too crowded in their little homes and sometimes they jump out before they can fly. I noticed this morning that they were moving around a lot in there.

If I just would have looked this up this morning. If I just would have known this could happen, I could have put something soft there and he wouldn't have landed on our cement porch. Usually birds land on the grass, so they live. I hope his death was quick.

We put blankets under the nest so if anyone else jumps, now they will land softly. Then I dug a little grave next to my lavender plant. Marvin and I put him in there and I told him how much I loved his little bird self. He was two weeks old today.

I covered his grave with lavender blossoms.

What's new? Just everything.

Just quit my job. Marvin Gardens got a job in a town in North Carolina with a population of 3,000.

Also, I dyed my hair red.

Other than that, not much is new.

Big Love for the HBO

Who watched 13 episodes of "Big Love" in the last five days? Why can't I have that kind of drive when it comes to exercise or curing diseases or something?

I know spending $13 on HBO was cheating, but it was the best $13 I have spent so far this year. When I finally deigned to watch network TV at some point this week -- and I am not making this up -- I looked at FIVE channels, five, and ALL were showing a commercial. THIS, network folks, is why you have the lowest viewership EVER, in the HISTORY of TV!

I always thought HBO was for fancy people who were rich. (My family has always had odd ideas about what constitutes being rich. My mother always thought glass measuring cups were only for rich people. When my Uncle Leo first started dating my aunt, he thought we were rich because we had grass. Sad.)

Anyway, in a nutshell, which I am so good at placing things in, I like me the HBO. Can you tell?

Oh, and I wanted to tell you one other thing. It happened again: I got an Evite to someone's birthday party. Unfortunately it was being held at a public place, and there was an admission fee. I am trying to be vague in case the inviter reads this. It was not the invitation you sent me, Jen from the legal division at work!

I hemmed and I hawed. That stupid Evite sat in my inbox, mocking me, for days. Finally I lied. I chose "no" and then wrote, "I have a wedding!" which technically is true. I have a wedding, it's just a week before the party.

I am telling you, I cannot think of an honest way to get out of these things. It is so self-centered to assume everyone remembers our little experiment. And you KNOW they are going to say "I'll pay your way in!" and I cannot do that over and over again. That is not a non-spending experiment, it is a mooching experiment. So the only thing I can think of is to lie.

And yes, I am aware that "no" is a full sentence; I don't have to give a reason for saying no. But if someone did that to me I would assume it was because they don't like me. Wouldn't you? Be honest.

As per usual, it is seventeen seconds until I have to leave for work and I haven't showered yet. I have been trying to do three-minute showers, because renowned Africa expert Jennifer Aniston says the water used in the typical American shower is all the water a family in Africa uses all day.