Saturday, March 24, 2007


I am wearing the pink robe with the duckies on it again. When WILL the cutting edge of fashion ever stop, over here?

So, I have two no-spending-related things to tell you about, which I'm sure will take me an hour and 15 minutes to tell you. It's genetic. You should hear my cousin Katie tell a story.

"Well, I was on my way to The Gap, because Jason and I got invited to this other couple's house for dinner and I had nothing to wear. Have I told you about them? She is ADORABLE, she works with me at the co-op, and her husband is a doctor. She sort of has this hair color that would look good on you. No, really, I was thinking about it. It has a kind of red tint that might look nice with your complexion..."

Six hours and one dangling noose later, she will tell you the POINT of the story, which had nothing to do with The Gap or the couple.

I just noticed the button that allows me to do a sort of drop quote, like I did above. There are so many buttons I have yet to try!

So, in non-cousin-Katie fashion, I will tell you the first thing, which is that we have now saved more than $9,000 since January 1, which is ridiculous. Now, I am terrible at math. And sometimes I have to do a little light math at work.

For example, we will be advertising that something is 20% off and we will list the new price. I have to check to make sure that the new price is correct. Usually what turned out to be a $49.95 item has become $8,967,943.72 with that 20% discount, after I have finished calculating it.

So you can imagine that this figure of us saving more than $9,000 since January 1 has made me tense. But I have checked and rechecked, and really, that is what we have saved.

We paid the dang taxes, and now we are thinking of paying off the credit card. Suze Orman always says that there is no point in having savings if you have credit card debt, cause the debt is creating interest. I am not interested in it; I do not know where it is creating interest. On a credit card porn site?

In any event, we owe $2,000 in credit card debt, so that may be paid. If so, I will add it to the column under "What we've saved so far" on the right.

Also, I thought I might have to buy lunch yesterday, but it turned out okay.

On Friday, I was invited to attend a lunch meeting where we were going to have a brainstorming session. Why anyone thinks my brain could storm in any way is an enigma to me. In the invitation, it said "a light lunch will be served." This is how professional I am. I wrote back and said, "Define light." I mean, the person inviting me is very thin. Did she mean we would get a SweetTart and a breath strip? Cause girlfriend needs her calories, over here. "Needs" might be a strong word, but still. So when she told me it would be sandwiches, I said okay and therefore did not pack a lunch.

So, remember Thursday, when it was so busy at work? Friday turned out to be an even bigger gem.

Do you know what I hate? Other than call waiting and people who say "for all intensive purposes" and traffic and all the other things I have said that I hate? I HATE it when work is put on my chair. I also hate it when work is put on my keyboard. It's like, "DON'T SIT DOWN! THERE IS NO TIME FOR YOU TO BEND YOUR KNEES AND SQUAT! WORK NEEDS TO BE DONE! DON'T YOU GET HOW IMPORTANT IT IS? STOP DRAWING BREATH AND WORK! WORK! WOOOOORRRRK!"

I'll have you know I have a large rack. No, not like that. Grow up. I have a large rack at WORK, on a TABLE in my OFFICE, and it has many many many slots. How it is supposed to go is that the traffic department is to put jobs in said rack, in the order they need doing. If it is key, it gets put right at the front of the rack, which means "get to it now."

I will have you know I have NEVER diverged from this system. If a job is at the front of my rack, that is what I grab next. I never say, "Oh, I think I will throw caution to the wind, and take a job from the very back of this rack." No! Never!

So WHY the drama of putting jobs on my chair or my keyboard?

So Friday, I walk into work, my office door is closed, and someone had LEANED JOBS UP AGAINST MY DOOR! Okay, this takes the cake. "Do not even open your door! That is how crucial this is! Just STAND here, in the hall, and start working now! Do not take off your coat! Do not grab a pen! WORK! WORK! WOOOOOORRRRRRK!

"For the love of God, WORRRRRRKKK!"

So since it was a tad busy, I knew I would not have time to attend said meeting of the storming brains. It was then, standing in the hall working with my coat on, that I realized I did not HAVE a lunch to eat. Oh, I was worried. As worried as you can be while your workplace is surgically attaching more eyeballs onto your head so you can work faster. How they wish they could find an Indian goddess, with eight pairs of hands. Wouldn't SHE be efficient.

Luckily for me, the thin woman conducting the meeting invited me to come take a sandwich even though I couldn't go to the meeting, which, shamelessly, I did. It was a delicious turkey spinach leaf and basil-y thing. On some sort of pretentious bread. Mmmm.

Then, not five minutes later, someone came around with a menu to buy everyone else in the office lunch. So I am afraid to tell you that I actually had TWO free lunches yesterday (the second was a delish chicken Parmesan on a bed of buttery noodles. I don't know why I can't lose the weight.)

Okay, so finally.

You know I think I am funny. I always have. My grandmother used to say,

"Look at her, over there. She don't need no one. She just sits by herself and laughs."

Love me the drop quote feature.

Just the other day, my poor beleaguered officemate, who just wants to do his job and go home, was watching some of my shenanigans (specifically, someone had given me note cards with a different picture of a cat on each one. I was holding up each one and giving it its own voice. "Hello! I am a Persian. I am lovely and smushy in my face." "Hi. I. am. weird-looking. Sphinx. I. am. not. so. cute." My officemate said, "You are just your own ball of yarn, aren't you?"

So yes, I get a kick out of myself. Which is why I find it disturbing when I find someone who is funnier than me. Please give up on my blog and just read Miss Doxie. If you find the part where she has birds in her yard, you will have a convulsion. Or the part where she comes up with Halloween costumes for her dogs. Or the part where she hates the symphony. Oh, she buries me in the funny department.

And yes, Dave Newman, you are and have always been funnier than me. But you do not keep a blog, thank God, so I do not have to feel threatened by you. Plus you have that gut...


jtcosby said...

You are hilarious! I am so cracking up at you and yes, I do believe you are funny. is my response to the credit card debt:

If you were debt free,would you purposly go blow 2000 dollars on a credit card? Then it doesn't make much sense to keep the credit card debt either...ok...I am the pot calling the kettle debt up to our eyeballs...but trying to follow your lead...THANK YOU! :)

dcrmom said...

Okay. First. I am laughing so freaking hard. I love this post.

Second. Miss Doxie DOES rule the funny farm. Or the funny department, maybe I should say. But you are running a very close second with this post.

pretentious bread... lmao!

Anonymous said...

That Miss Doxie thing is pretty cute...but for all intensive purposes I like your blog better

Jenn said...

Oh my, I think you are roll-on-the-floor hilarious! I'm always excited when I see you have a new post to tickle my funny bone.

June Cutoff Cash said...

Thanks, you guys. I really do get a charge out of my own self. Is that bad? I am just saying that Miss Doxie has it going on, is all...