Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Oh, why don't you stop annoying people?


Dear Cousin Katie,

You know that we have always been close, and that you are like a sister to me. Now that the Christmas season is drawing near, the season where we let our loved ones know our deepest, most meaningful feelings, I would like to take this opportunity to say I want to KICK your LILY-WHITE arse and the arse of everyone who had anything to do with you being put on the earth. (You're going down, Aunt Kathy.)

I have just completed the DING-DANG nursing book I made you for Christmas. Since I told you you could not check my blog for the rest of the year, this will come as a complete surprise to you.

Given that all my Christmas gifts have to be free this year -- due to me and my stupid, stupid plans -- when I drew your name at Thanksgiving, I was delighted that of all the people in my family, I drew yours, because even if my gift SUCKED ROCKS, you would still appreciate it. Not as much as you seemed to appreciate that Pixie Stik in the photo above (nice sugar trance), but quite a lot.

Well, let me tell you something, missy. No one has ever had more glue on them than I have currently. Even Elmer. (Shouldn't a horse, and not a cow, have been the mascot for a glue company? Or would that have been tasteless? Do they really make glue from horses, or is that a myth, like tennis rackets and cat guts?)

And do you have any idea how hard it is to cut using those stupid scrapbooking scissors? Oh, I know, you are over there learning how to do sutures and IVs and such, and scrapbooking scissors probably sound like a breeze. Well, trust me. They are not. They are yet another thing invented by The Man to keep women home and oppress them. I never want to see another scalloped corner in my life.

And why did I decide each page had to be a different color? And I do not mean yellow and blue. No, I decided each page should be TAN and DARK TAN. Seven hours into this little project, do you think those colors looked any different? What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that I am 109, with bad eyes and a worse temper, and that this blush and bashful color scheme was going to turn on me in the wee hours?

Anyway, Merry dingity dangity Christmas. Next year, you're gettin' a gift card.

Love,
Your Cousin June

12 comments:

Bronwyn said...

I'm on the floor... Oh, the joy of Christmas! (I'm in a fairly BAH HUMBUG mode here in tropical FL).

June, if that is you with Cousin Katie? LOVE the hair.

Kellie said...

Oh but June,

I am sure one is much deeper than the other....

kellie

Lisa said...

Too funny!

June Cutoff Cash said...

That WOULD be me, yes, Bronwyn. I am actually astounded at how shiny my hair is, Farrah look notwithstanding. I thought it had never been shiny my whole life.

I am also rocking out to Gramma's Santa towels on the arms of the chair...

Michelle Dawn said...

Hellloooo Martha :) I'm sure it looks great and it will all be worth it in the end!

June Cutoff Cash said...

Your advice was so good, Michelle. Since I had all the TIME to spellcheck everyone's stuff and proof it then cut it out, I really read everything. This little book is really going to be invaluable to her.

You can tell I have slept since I wrote this post, can't you?

The Hotfessional said...

Aw June. That was hilarious. Absolu-damn-lutely hilarious. Tan and Dark tan? What in the world possessed you?

But, when it's done, we must have pictures.

M.I. Susan Harris said...

Okay, this has nothing to do with your post. I just thought I'd share.

My 6-year-old daughter lost a tooth yesterday and, of course, left it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. Imagine my guilt this morning when she woke up and the tooth fairy hadn't come. ARGHHHH! I had been up until midnight doing some volunteer graphic design work for people who rescue stray puppies and kittens and forgot all about it. Puppy rescuing aside, I felt like dirt.

Fortunately my kids are extremely gullible. I told her that since the sun hadn't come up yet, the tooth fairy still might come but only if she was asleep or possibly if she left the room and closed the door. So she went out to watch Sesame street.

After the sun had come up, she checked again. I told her not to get her hopes up and that I was sure that the tooth fairy would come tonight if...

She was very happy when she found $1.75 under her pillow.

It is amazing what kids will believe if they want to. Needless to say, they are both anxiously awaiting Santa's visit this month.

Anonymous said...

I've always said that your hair was perfectly nice when you lived with me.

SustainableStyle said...

I have been to the glue factory and I think they had just about every type of animal represented. It was the Noah's Ark of carnage.

Karen said...

I'm curious if you have all the nursing advice saved in a nice word file that you'd like to share with other nurse's to be, like me? :-)

Anonymous said...

You look so cute in that picture.