Sunday, December 9, 2007

Boys and girls and music. Why do they need gin?

Why, indeed? Gin tastes like pine needles to me. Ugh.

When I was little, I used to play house with my toy kitchen and kitchen accouterments. I put film in my toy refrigerator because my father was a photographer, so we had film in our real-life fridge. I didn't know it was weird till some kid came over and told me.

Anyway, I had these tinted brandy snifters someone gave me to play with, which is always a nice idea. Let's give fragile, breakable containers for holding liquor to this three-year-old! I loved those dang things, and I would pretend to be some lush named Helen, who drank gin out of a brandy snifter all day. No one in my family drank, and I wasn't allowed to watch the soaps, but I must've been sneaking in viewings of The Secret Storm somewhere, because where else did I get this ridiculous idea?

Then when Tic-Tacs came out? Old Helen became a gin drinker AND pill-popper. I used to pretend my hands were shaking as I dumped out Tic-Tacs and crammed them greedily into my mouth. Why didn't someone get me professional help?

So, I sent out holiday cards yesterday. Seventy-two of them. I bought them last year at half off, so calm down. Also, I had a bunch of 39-cent Christmas-themed stamps left over, so all we had to do was buy the two-cent stamps. Then beyond that, I used normal stamps.

Do you have any idea how much it bothered me to send out cards with that stupid Liberty Bell stamp instead of a Christmas stamp? I do not know when I became Anal Anus Girl of Analtown, but somehow having Christmas return address labels and Christmas stamps has become a big part of the sending of the card. Now, seriously, WHO LOOKS at that part? Me and some other detailed person with too much time on their hands, that's who. And who wants to impress whoever that odd duck is?

So, if you know me (Bert! Ya know me?) (That's TWO It's a Wonderful Life lines in one post! Woo!), please forgive me my dull, not-at-all-red-or-green depressing Liberty Bell stamp. I promise I will Christmas you to a pulp next year.


paul said...

I'm sure it's been quite an eye-opener, noticing all the little things that you wouldn't have given a second thought to last year, but that you aren't buying this year because of the challenge.

You must be counting the days until January 1st! ;-) Then again, maybe this is the new lifestyle...?

Anonymous said...

I notice stamp appropriateness; but then, I was Miss Anal Anus Girl of Analtown, 2005.

June Cutoff Cash said...

Dear Paul,

I assure you it is NOT a life changing thing, this! There are 22 days until Jan 1. Trust me.

And I am so happy to meet one of the Anal Anus queens from years past!!

Charlie said...

Anal Anus Girl of Analtown - Is there anything to say to that? You are TOO FUNNY!

I have film in my fridge. I don't think that's weird at all.

RipeMango said...

Bwhahaha! Helen and I would've been good, good friends. How fun to play at being drunk :)

Becky said...

I use the word "accouterments" quite often in conversation, but until now never knew how to spell it.

So ... thanks for that.

Katharyn said...

My favorite Christmas card snapho (snafu - what ever) happened the year after I got married. My aunt and uncle sent us a card stuffed with a cut out printed poem about how just because you only hear from us once year doesn't mean you're just a name on a piece of paper, but someone who has deeply touched our lives... yahda yada.

They spelled my new complicated German sounds like profanity last name correctly... but my first name, the name I had been using all 22 years that they had been my aunt and uncle, they miss spelled! - not just a name on a piece of paper, really?