Friday, December 7, 2007

You Like Every Boy. What's Wrong with That?

I have sometimes wondered what Violet Bicks' story was. She grew up in an idyllic place like Bedford Falls, and yet she was such a slutenheimer. Could she have been victim to some sort of abuse? Because how else do you explain her inappropriate behavior?

Do you think I have watched It's a Wonderful Life a few too many times? You are just lucky we didn't do When Harry Met Sally lines this month.

Once again, I have many odds and ends (emphasis on "odd") to tell you. Because my leading gets screwed up every time I use a bullet list, I will instead bullet my paragraphs with the scales. Seriously, how annoying am I?

Do. I told Marvin about how one of you referred to me as a saint. He said, "June. The Patron Saint of Lost Marbles." Who loves himself? Remember how Mr. Roper would say something mean about Mrs. Roper, then grin at the camera? Marvin TOTALLY did that. Hearts himself.

Re. You know the family we all talked about adopting for Christmas? I think they don't want our help. I called the guy, reminded him who I was, told him I'd love to get a few things for his kids. He called back and just left this message: "Mrs. Cutoff Cash? Thank you. Very much." Then he hung up. This means thanks but no thanks, right? Cause you know I want to call him back and say, "Does that mean no?" This should give you some clue as to what kind of cool cucumber I was in the dating world.

Me. Speaking of me, I am so excited about next year's health blog that I wish I could just start it now. I have already got the web address, the design, the concept, the whole shebang. Don't you hate people who say "the whole shebang"? Another overused phrase? "Voracious reader." Can't you be some other sort of reader? How about just "I like to read"?

Fa. A long, long way to go.

So. Screw it. We are getting a Christmas tree. I am getting really sloppy about not spending, aren't I? I don't care. The only reason I care is because I have this blog and you're all watching me. (I sound like that idiot who sang that song. I always feel like somebody's watching me! Get a prescription, bub. No one gives a crap.)

Last year, I spent Christmas day 100% alone, Marvin was at work. It was awful. Then I had to work the next day, which really should be illegal.

Two years ago, Marvin had to work (he is Rudolph. I have not wanted to mention it. His nose really comes in handy when we drive in fog.), so I went to midnight mass myself, which was at like 7:00 so why do they continue to call it midnight, and then I came home and cooked Christmas lasagna. I had just cut a piece of lasagna, put in (shocker!) It's a Wonderful Life, and JUST when I hit "play," my cat Mr. Horkheimer sprayed blood all over the VCR. So I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at the vet. There was another guy there putting his cat to sleep, and he was weeping like a child. It was heartbreaking.

The POINT is, I refuse to have another depressing Christmas. So I'm gettin' a tree. The end.

La. Speaking of sick cats, I had to take my cat Ruby DeLuna to the vet today, and she either has a cold or cancer. Okay, thanks. There's an undramatic scale. When I wrote the check ($87), I said to the receptionist, "It's Pearl Harbor Day" and she looked at me like, "Who's Pearl Harbor?" I hope I am wrong about this.

Te. Tonight we watched Swingers. I should really, REALLY stop watching shows that in any way celebrate Los Angeles. Maybe I should rent Earthquake, or is there a Manson murder movie I could see? Is there a movie of someone just sitting in traffic trying to get home from work to their $2,000 a month studio apartment? That would help.

Do. you feel sorry for me that I don't have kids? It just occurred to me today, for the first time ever, that when I tell people that, they may actually think, "Oh, that poor thing." When people ask me why we don't have kids, sometimes I love to say, "Oh, we try and try!" so they are forced to picture Marvin and me fornicating just all the time. But in reality, neither one of us wanted kids. And that is that dramatic yarn.


deidra said...

I cringe whenever I hear someone say that they're "trying." Especially said in all seriousness. Eww.

Bronwyn. said...

Re: The family wants your help, I think, and just don't know how to accept it? That's my take, not hearing the tone of his message myself.
Me: Can't wait to see the new blog!

So: good for you getting the tree. You do not need another sucky Christmas. Last Christmas sounded sad, but two Christmases ago sounded BRUTAL. Also, the fine Canadian tradition of Boxing Day is alive and well in my house. I do not work the day after Christmas. I will happily work the day of Christmas. But not the day after.
La: I hope you are wrong about this too.
Te: Wasn't there a movie where Michael Douglas snapped in the LA traffic and took an automatic weapon and went crazy? I think there was, but I can't remember the name. That might alleviate some homesickness. (Oh, and have you seen the movie "Akeelah and the Bee"? It's about a girl from LA who starts entering spelling bees. I think you'd like it.)
Do: NOT feel sorry for you. At this moment in time, after listening to mine fight all night,I'm quite envious.

Marvin said...

Actually, I wouldn't really mind kids. Want one?

And it is spelled "Ti," just so ya know...

Anonymous said...

June I'm new here. Couldn't post until I had gone back and read all of your POSTS and COMMENTS (anal I know). I absolutely love you and your readers. You are all so funny.

Now, relative to this post. I live in a small SC town and have provided Christmas for anywhere from 8 - 15 families per year for about 7 years. I had friends who donated money that helped out but this is one of the most fun and most rewarding things I have every done.

I think the father may be a bit embarrassed. He probably went home and told the wife and she refused help because people in little towns talk and talk a lot. I always told every family that I was fortunate enough to help that I never told anyone's name. The only way anyone would find out is if they told. So I would call back and get someone on the phone and explain that you would love to help and that no one not even the people of the church would know you helped.

I do hope you will continue a least a portion of this blog through maybe March just so we can see how your year of no spending changed your thought process.


Kellie said...

Slutenheimer. That is funny. I think it's just because every town has one. Or Two.

So happy you are getting a tree!

Sid Leavitt said...

Apropos of nothing, but since Marvin already straightened out the 'ti' ...

The next time you do a musical scale, change 'so' to 'sol,' which is the classical way of writing the fifth note, G, on the C scale. Why, you ask? Well, although you already have more class than any person other than you has a right to, this will give you just that extra soupcon of elegance that will lead the members of your garden club to believe you -- as I (and probably poor Marvin) had to -- take piano lessons as a child and learn notes by what was known as the 'sol-fa' system of syllables as well as letters of the alphabet.

They will be impressed enOURmously.

God, I love proo-freading your blog.

Anonymous said...

Unless he said no thanks he didn't mean no thanks. Don't call them a million times or they will say no thanks. Get them some food, get them some clothes, get them a couple board games the family can play together, and get the kids each one toy of their own. The food and clothes are much much more important. Kids in school would much rather have clean clothes that fit than abunch of toys to play with. If you have money left over pay one of their utility bills.

RipeMango said...

June, only you heard the tone from the dad of the possible adopted family, but I feel like his message could've easily said "thanks. very much" and then "for helping my family" was left unsaid.

I'm the most god-awful answering machine message leaver. I always hang up the first time, then work the courage to call back and ramble on for 4 minutes when all I want to say is "hey, call me back".

Wick the Stick (Wicked) said...

So, do you have Violet's number?

jtcosby said...

I would take the dad as a MAJOR GO AHEAD! He was humbled and probably a little scared to accept. That is my take. I say GO FOR IT!

Tee said...

I think the man means YES! If he meant no, he would have said, "no thank you". He said, "thank you" so get to work girl. Get their sizes for the clothes and start the grocery list. This is going to be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. You might mention you want to keep this confidential for them. As suggested above, if you have any money left, pay their utility bills or rent for them. That would be one of the best Christmas presents possible for them.

Michelle Dawn said...

I didn't hear the tone, but I don't think he meant no. He sounds like a man of few words -he probably would have said, "no thanks".

Personally, I would probably let them pick out toys for their own children. I'd give them money in a card along with something for the entire family -a big frozen turkey or a board game or something. I think it would be less intimidating for the parents than if you showed up like Santa Claus with a bag full of stuff. Plus everyone wants to be able to shop at Christmas, even if they do curse about it. That's just my two cents -add it to your savings!

Anonymous said...

I think he wants your help.

Emily said...

I hope that after you are all healthy from all the goodbye of the pie, that you will want to have a kid. Wouldn't that make a great blog for 2009?