Red state, red hair

Okay, I am finally home and have no new dead bird stories, so I can now tell you how we are moving from a city of 3 million people to a town of 3,000.

Marvin Gardens got his teaching credential in December of 2005, and he started looking for teaching jobs in L.A. even before that. You know that crap about "they need teachers"? Yeah, not so much. He could not get one teaching job in the L.A. area.

You know what's annoying? When I tell people this and they say, "really?" in an incredulous way, like Marvin Gardens has been PRETENDING to interview for teaching positions for almost two years. Yes, really. It is apparently quite difficult to get a teaching job here now if you have not taught before. Go on Marvin's blog if you really want all that guff.

For a while, I have been wondering if he is a poor interview or something. But he is very smart and articulate and he looks like a normal person, so I couldn't quite decide what he must be doing wrong. Was he wearing his "I Hate Children" T-shirt to the interview?

Marvin's teaching credential also works in North Carolina, which I have been to before and liked. Marvin kept getting emails about teacher's job fairs in North Carolina so finally he went to one last week. Yes, he spent money.

He left Monday night, and Tuesday morning I was in Beverly Hills in the midst of my interminable commute to work and he called. He had already gotten a job.

So, good job, L.A. Here was a person who would have taught your kids with originality and passion. Here was a man who would have been a good role model, who would have been a permanent, positive influence on your children. Fortunately, North Carolina saw that right away.

After he secured the job, he found us a house to rent. It has hardwood floors, four bedrooms, a fireplace, two bathrooms (which we have not had since 1998) and it is set in a woodsy yard. The price? $600 a month.

That's A THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH less than we pay now.

So I gave a 6- to 10-week notice at my job. The other proofreader is still out herniating his disc or whatever and I want to make this as easy for them as possible. Marvin has to be in North Carolina by August 1, but if I have to stay at work until the end of August, I will.

Beyond that, I have offered to freelance for them once I get to this little town. It's 50 miles outside of Charlotte, but I do NOT want to move all the way there for another hour-long commute. I freelanced for years, and I think I can get some clients back. And my L.A. rates will take me further in a small town.

It is all very exciting and yet I am terrified. I hate change. Here, in no particular order, is a list of a few of the things I have worried about:

I will get no work and we will starve to death.

I will have to work at 7-Eleven.

I will have anaphylactic shock for the first time ever and there will not be a hospital close enough and I will fall over dead.

I will find a rattlesnake in the bathtub.

At least these are rational fears.

I think we'll be fine leaving L.A. It's not like I am clamoring to break into the movies or gee, will I miss those desert hikes. On Saturday afternoon, Renee and I went to a wedding. I left my house at 4:30, the wedding was at 6:00, and do you know we were TEN MINUTES LATE to the wedding? Fortunately no one does things on time here so the ceremony hadn't started. But almost two hours to go 27 miles? Come ON. With Renee leaving for Maui in a month and me going to a place where I will never see an automobile again, that stupid traffic was just what we needed to tell us we are doing the right thing.

Oh, and I will enclose photos from said wedding, so you can see my hair. Perhaps you are wondering what I am doing in that Being John Malkovich crawling through the window shot. Or perhaps you are wondering if they showed the wedding video on my butt, as clearly they could have. Using the wide-screen feature, too. But I do like my new red color.

That's the story. Sorry you had to wait for my bird trauma to abate before you heard it.