Friday, November 9, 2007

Oh, and also? My cat barfed an intact rubber band.

What a stupid day.

I had a dream last night that my worst ex-boyfriend possible was having dinner at my mother's and I was there too. I for some reason had to act like this was perfectly okay, even though the whole time I felt terribly uncomfy.

So thanks, mom, for inviting worst ex ever over. You never even liked that guy when he was my not-during-R.E.M. boyfriend. Glad we could all have ham croquettes together.

If that weren't bad enough, I had to drive over to Monroe, which people pronounce MUNroe, to have a Lasik consultation. I finally decided to go ahead and do it, as I cannot see far or near. Talk about near, far, wherever the hell you are.

I know that my nearsightedness will go on. I can't see you if you're on fire, at this point.

So, I underwent a series of rather freaky and nauseating procedures (does anyone else get sick when they do that, "Which looks better, one [flip] or two? Two [flip] or three?" thing with the eye chart?), and after feeling like I'd ridden the Octopus and was on the verge of a seizure with all the lights they flashed at me, the doctor told me I have thin corneas.


My abdomen is distended like I have kwashiorkor. Each strand of my hair is the width of penne pasta. My nose is as bulbous as WC Fields'. But my corneas? Oh, those! Why, those are thin as can be!

The only thin thing on me is THE THING THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THICK!

So, because I have these Hollywood-starlet-thin corneas, he did not recommend Lasik, but rather this ablation procedure, whatever that means, (I told him he could not tell me any gory details) which costs the same but HURTS MORE.

After getting over the blow of this info, he went through many details, and we were just wrapping up when I said, "So, the day of the surgery, I'll get Valium and a sleeping pill. I can pretty much guarantee that I'll get a migraine from the stress. Will my Imitrex interfere with those other pills?"

"You're on Imitrex!?" he exclaimed.

Guess what? Imitrex (a migraine medicine) TOTALLY interferes with the measurement of your eyes. So I have to go off it for two weeks (hah!) and get those measurements ALL OVER AGAIN.

So here's why I decided not to get this stupid procedure. (A) The Imitrex was written on PAGE ONE of the info I filled out. This doctor clearly did not read my chart. (2) There is no earthly way I can go two weeks without my migraine drug. No way. And (B.1.7a), I really can't afford this.

Which is why my day got even more depressing.

I hate being poor like this. I thought I wouldn't care that we are making so much less money here. I thought it wouldn't bother me in the least, as long as Marvin Gardens is doing something he liked.

Well, guess what? Turns out I am a shallow gold-digger. I LIKED saving $3200 every month like we did at the beginning of this year. We can't even afford to buy a house in this dinky little town! I am 42! And a half! And I can't afford a house. Or Lasik. Or really, a trip to Wisconsin for Christmas, which I already SAID I'd do and really, really can't afford.

I came home from MUNroe crying like a banshee. I do not even know if banshees cry. They scream, don't they?

I wish I would have taken that copy editing job in Winston-Salem. Then I would not have to be a blind, thin-cornea'd, houseless, poverty-stricken loser who has dinner with her ex at her mother's house.



Linda .. the Aussie one! said...

Awwww sorry you had such a crappy visit to the MUNroe eye doctor. I hope Marvin does something nice for his June today. :o)

chacha said...

Well, at least he barfed it up instead of pooping it out. That could have gotten a little wacky coming out the other end.

After reading your "heart" LA pose and this one, sounds like some home sickness, though I am probably stating the obvious (Captain Obvious - another college nickname. Btw, I also "heart" LA and miss it quite a bit since we moved from the South Bay 4 years ago).

Anyway, this town you live in, this situation, doesn't have to be permanent. Marvin can get his teaching experience, a year to two, and then you can consider moving elsewhere, so you can also work (b/c, let's face it, at least for me, not working full-time would make me batty in a few weeks). Somewhere a smidgen more metropolitan :o)

Anyway, it's great that you moved for him -- that was truly selfless on your part. I suppose the hard part is now toughing it out for as long as you need to stay there...

Bronwyn said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. That doctor sounds like an ass. Read the chart, dude, for goodness sake. Hmph.

A sucky day all round, that's for sure. I hope today is going better.

Tee said...

Good thing you discovered that doctor never really read your chart. Besides, I have great reservations about the long-term affect of lasike surgery on your eyes. I would want some twenty, maybe thirty years of following patients that's had this procedure. I'm really sorry you had such a bad day. I'm not so sure you being unable to afford the surgery is a bad thing. I completely understand you being down about not being able to buy a house.

Sid Leavitt said...

Wow, bummer. Well, the holidays will soon be over (God, I hope so), and the days will get longer, and that little Carolina town will blossom into ... aw, you're right. Crap.

Jonathan Swift said...

That totally sucks. I always hate when a doctor/dentist/mechanic tells me, "You're going to need this (insert procedure/repair here) and it'll cost you X dollars, payable immediately and in full." The roar of the ocean fills my ears and all I hear is the money leaving my bank account. I feel your pain.

And yeah, I totally feel your pain about being 40+ and unable to afford a home. As you know from my blog (, I'm 43 and in the same boat. Or rental, if you will.

Your pal from MA said...

Sorry you're having a tough time of it now June. Things will get better, they always seem to...

Also VERY glad you found out that doctor was less than thorough - does not bode well for a major procedure like the one he suggested.

I'm sending some good ju ju your way.


Stie: My Favorite Things said...

Hang in there, chicken. It will get better.

Don't be mad that I called you chicken. I mean that in the kindest, most endearing hug kind of way.

Anonymous said...

That doctor should definitely not charge you if he needs to reexamine your eyes for glasses. I wonder if that's why your glasses aren't producing good vision, because your imatrex was working when you had your last exam.

sabrina duncan said...

I love that you used kwashiorkor in a sentence. I bet there are people trying to look it up.