Thursday, November 15, 2007

I tried to get you a watch fob, but no one would buy my hair.

Christmas is looming before me.

I do not mean that Christmas is weaving something in front of me.

I know that Christmas is coming because the whole town is already done up in lights. And they do not pussyfoot around with the political correctness here; nosir. None of that neutral "Happy Holidays" for them. We are talking angels, Santas, the works. Not a word about Kwanzaa. And 50% of this town is African-American.

So, Christmas is waving its red nose before me and I have gifts to give people and I CANNOT BUY THEM.

Once again I am annoyed with myself for not knowing how to quilt or sew or cook or knit or glue or tie anything. I am TERRIBLE at all crafts. I would have made a ridiculous Civil War woman, as my handiwork would not have gone to help any cause whatsoever.

For my Aunt Mary, who has always spent 17 million dollars on me every year, we are creating a website featuring her pottery. Aunt Mary started this whole pottery thing as a hobby a few years back, and it turns out she is like the Michelangelo of the wheel or whatever. People cut each other to buy her stuff. Now, personally, I thought she should name her website "Mary Potter, Wizard of the Kiln" but she won't let me.

I have no idea what I am going to make her husband, my Uncle Omar. I hope he does not wish for an embroidered quilt that I also hand-painted.

My mother wants me to print out my entire blog for her, which strikes me as a tad -- what's the phrase I need, here? -- up my own ass of me to do. "Here's all me all the time! Enjoy!"

My nurse advice book I am making for my cousin is coming along nicely, so that's a relief. Again, if you know any nurses, have them send me advice! Anything they would want to tell a new nurse. Just click the comments at the bottom, here.

Fortunately, my father doesn't celebrate Christmas, despite the fact that he looks precisely like Santa Claus. In fact, he PLAYED Santa at his workplace for years, and loved it. So, anyway, that old Scrooge is eliminated. And Marvin Gardens' whole family is Jewish, thank God.

Remind me to tell you about the time Marvin went shopping with me for a Christmas ensemble for some party. The fact that we are still united in holy matrimony, and that I was not chopped up into small pieces and buried under the mall, is a Christmas miracle in itself.

I will solider on with my lack of Christmas craftswomanship. Do you think everyone would like an interpretive dance for Christmas?! There we go! Somebody pick the song for me. I could put it on YouTube for everyone to enjoy.

17 comments:

Charlie said...

The thought of that dance was my big smile for the day. Thanks June.

Can't wait for that shopping story either.....

Frankie said...

I can knit you a hat if you want...consider it my Christmas present to you!

Anonymous said...

An interpretive dance would be really good, because you are a great dancer. I don't have u tube though, so how would that work?

Lisa said...

Um, speaking on behalf of Marvin's family, you do know that we also have a gift giving holiday around this time.

The Hotfessional said...

How about a tape of you reading a book that Uncle Omar likes?

That could be fun. ;-)

June Cutoff Cash said...

Dear poor mom,

You understand that no one actually wants to see me do an interpretive dance except you, right?

Also, everyone has You Tube if they have the internet.

Bless your heart, as they say here.

June Cutoff Cash said...

Frankie,

Can you teach me to knit over the computer? Do you have You Tube? Now I am obsessed.

Catherine said...

Hilarious title -- actually did make me lol (although I hate that expression).

Cookies. That's what everyone wants. Or even brownies. Bake and you can't go wrong.

Anonymous said...

I'm Jewish and I still like presents. Hope you have been thinking about the Holiday gift for you and our little Marvin.

Anonymous said...

The baking suggestion is a good one.

But, consider this alternative: making charitable donations to the food bank in the names of "The C-Cash Family" and "The Gardens Family", and then giving the respective family members cards letting them know of your donation on their behalf.

Would you consider that to be spending, exactly? I'm sure feeding the hungry must be a mitzvah; it's certainly a blessing in Christian culture.

For your consideration!

Best,
Meadow

ps: Your mom is not alone: when I first encountered your blog, I so enjoyed your writing style I went back to the beginning (12 months previously) and laughed for 3 hours as I read every entry. And no, I'm not a family member in disguise.

dcrmom said...

I'm not crafty either. Do you bake? Or can you dip? LOL. I have an easy-peasy peanut butter ball recipe that people DIE for. It's tedious, but not hard. OR. Easier than that. Fudge. No dipping involved. I've done that on years that I didn't feel like rolling and dipping my life away. Let me know if you want a recipe.

Anonymous said...

Do the Milkshake dance, or Crank That. EVERYONE loves those XDDD

Tee said...

Try making cookis, they are easy and really hard to mess up. :-)

June Cutoff Cash said...

dcrmom,

Tedious peanut butter recipe, please.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

god, you're funny.

I can't offer much advice cause I'm all about the crafty stuff people toss over their shoulder after they give me one of those big "why can't you just shop at the mall like the rest of us, you freak?" smiles.

Hey-- one year I did a compilation of favorite quotations-- that isn't too crafty? or is it?

~bluepoppy

Anonymous said...

You must give Aunt Mary's blog the Mary Potter title. Must.

Anonymous said...

June:
Please, do the interpretive dance, but do not wear a long scarf around your neck.
Your Mother's best friend