Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dick, Jane, E.T. and Teddy Roosevelt

Look! Look where I am! Do I sound like a Dick and Jane book right now? See! Oh! See!

Weren't the pictures in Dick and Jane books cool? Wouldn't it be great to have a print of one?
I am good at the focusing. As I was SAYING, look where I am! I am home! It's 2:30 p.m. on a Thursday! Oh, it's exciting. We had a blackout in our building, and I do not mean that we drank and forgot everything. All the power went out and we all got sent home. You have never seen a more animated group of middle-aged people in your life. It was like the last day of school.

So naturally I came right home and blogged. Cause I am a giant, giant loser.

Please cast your eyes to the right side of this page. Did you notice we are now up to $15,500 in savings? Marvin Gardens got his last paycheck and it included all his unused vacation and such, so we put a lot of said check in savings. Would it be okay if we took the rest of it and used it for Botox?

Folks, I look so terribly bad. I mean, I am turning 42, so it's not going to get any better from here on out. I realize that. It is sort of a long, wrinkled, puffy road ahead. But as I cannot groom, and as I USED to groom quite a bit (I do not mean that I chewed nits off of Marvin Gardens. I mean that I used to get my hair actually cut and colored by a professional. I got my eyebrows waxed. I got facials. Oh! Facials. I used to get those spray-on tans in those booths that felt like the shower in Silkwood. I used to BUY NEW CLOTHES), there is a distinct difference in my appearance. Perhaps it is only visible to me, but isn't that who matters, really?

E.T. phoned home and his space people said, "We can see June's pores." If I cannot get a facial, I wish I could at least buy some of that pore-closing mask stuff at the drug store. But it is not allowed. And I am running dangerously low on the self-tanner I got last year.

And my wrinkle. Oh, that wrinkle. I have a giant crevice in between my ungroomed eyebrows, created from years of being crabby and frowning. I sprinkle salt in there, and people dip crudites in my forehead at parties. So at least it's useful. I need that area Botoxed so bad. So bad.

And I know I am a jerk. I read about that poor woman who was on the oxygen tank, and she couldn't pay her $122 electric bill, so they cut off her electricity and she died. Now, there is someone with a real problem. I know that the fact that Theodore Roosevelt has paid Panama for control of my forehead is nothing compared to that.

So I guess I will suck it up for another SEVEN MONTHS.

And please, nobody buy me any tanning cream or masks or anything. I feel bad enough not being able to buy anybody anything. I have another wedding coming up and I'm giving the IOU wedding card. I wish I was good at crafts and I could be all, "Look! (I am Dick and Jane again.) I made you this priceless meaningful quilt that you can pass down for generations." Yeah, not so much.

It sent another friend a Hallmark birthday e-card yesterday, which is free and it's better than not acknowledging these birthdays at all, and the friend wrote back and said, "A bunch of us are going to dinner to celebrate my birthday tonight! You should come!"

Well, that was awkward. If I wrote back and said, "Remember? I can't." you KNOW she would've said, "Oh, come on! It's on me!" and I just couldn't bring myself to be on someone yet again, so to speak. So I just didn't write her back. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I could've just lied and said, "Got plans, sorry!" but that didn't occur to me till just now.

So, that's the latest in the not-spending world. We have 15 big ones; Gopher, Julie and all the guests on the Pacific Princess are sailing between my brows; and my friends, one by one, are going to break up with me.

At least I have the afternoon free!


JennaG said...

OK--I have to delurk to tell you that you have inspired us. We are not spending in the month of June. I have plans to carry it through until we pay off 4K worth of credit card debt, but haven't discussed it with my hubby yet--I think he will be game though. Our situation is different than yours in that we have 3 children at home--one who has a birthday in June. We decided that was our one spending thing--but we will be frugal. Anyway, just thought I would tell you. You guys are my heroes, by the way. I know this must be incredibly hard.

June Cutoff Cash said...

Thanks, Jenna G! See, just when you are feeling discouraged, someone delurks and encourages you. And I don't blame you for getting the poor kid a gift. Good luck! Keep us posted, over here!

Anonymous said...

Wow-- these are the details I never thought about-- stay the course! what you are doing is fucking awesome. but, wow, socially and emotionally-- I now get the details of how challenging it is on a day to day basis. Are there any home remedies that could make you feel better til you can return to facials, etc? Chilled cucumbers over the eyes? make a paste with oatmeal and honey and oh, I don't know--but I bet if you googled it there would be some stuff you have in your cupboards to use for a bit of a pick me up-- or not, --sorry for the assvice,


June Cutoff Cash said...

Dear Blue Poppy:

When I was a kid and didn't have any money, I'd spend hours pouring over books and magazines for free facial information. That is a great idea! It wasn't assvice at all. Assvice. Teee.

Kelly Garrett said...

Please make an appointment with me soon. I will come over and give you a facial. Now, who wouldn't want a facial from Charlie's most beautiful angel?

Rosie Papaya said...

What giant crevice between your eyebrows? What wrinkle? You, June Cutoff Cash, have a disease of perception. But then again, so do I.

I propose we make a Botox date for January. I LOVE me some botox. And did you know that I get a teacher discount on injectables? (HA! Finally! A perk to this career!) And if I bring a friend, he/she will receive the same discount.

So, what are you doing January 1?

dcrmom said...

Glad you got an afternoon off, but good night nursing Jerusalem, that no spending thing SUCKS.

June Cutoff Cash said...

"Good night nursing Jerusalem." Who has a new phrase she is stealing? Could it be me?

sabrina duncan said...

NOW we know where all of your money went! Facials, hair, BOTOX? DEAR GOD - you would not catch me injecting some poison in my aging self.

Remember when you got the canal injected and it became sort of like the moon's surface? Doesn't that make you want to run, run, run away from Botox?

June Cutoff Cash said...

Dear Sabrina,

Lara said...

Well I guess I'm going to delurk too, didn't even know that was a word. I have been reading your blog off and on for a couple of weeks. I started with your December 31 post and have been reading them in chronological order. I thought April was the funniest month so far, but I'm only up till the end of May and May was pretty funny too. The only annoying thing about reading back posts on blogs from beginning to end is that you have to do this funny blog dance where you scroll to the bottom of the page, find the top of the first post, read down, then scroll to the top of the second post, read down, etc. I have occassionally found myself laughing out loud as I flew past a picture scrolling to find the top of the next post, anticipating what you were going to write about, eg. the Wall no eyebrow guy! I love your blog and I am inspired to hang on to my careful spending year (We have 3 kids and hubby went back to school). Grace and Peace and happy not spending!