Look! Look where I am! Do I sound like a Dick and Jane book right now? See! Oh! See!
Weren't the pictures in Dick and Jane books cool? Wouldn't it be great to have a print of one?
I am good at the focusing. As I was SAYING, look where I am! I am home! It's 2:30 p.m. on a Thursday! Oh, it's exciting. We had a blackout in our building, and I do not mean that we drank and forgot everything. All the power went out and we all got sent home. You have never seen a more animated group of middle-aged people in your life. It was like the last day of school.
So naturally I came right home and blogged. Cause I am a giant, giant loser.
Please cast your eyes to the right side of this page. Did you notice we are now up to $15,500 in savings? Marvin Gardens got his last paycheck and it included all his unused vacation and such, so we put a lot of said check in savings. Would it be okay if we took the rest of it and used it for Botox?
Folks, I look so terribly bad. I mean, I am turning 42, so it's not going to get any better from here on out. I realize that. It is sort of a long, wrinkled, puffy road ahead. But as I cannot groom, and as I USED to groom quite a bit (I do not mean that I chewed nits off of Marvin Gardens. I mean that I used to get my hair actually cut and colored by a professional. I got my eyebrows waxed. I got facials. Oh! Facials. I used to get those spray-on tans in those booths that felt like the shower in Silkwood. I used to BUY NEW CLOTHES), there is a distinct difference in my appearance. Perhaps it is only visible to me, but isn't that who matters, really?
E.T. phoned home and his space people said, "We can see June's pores." If I cannot get a facial, I wish I could at least buy some of that pore-closing mask stuff at the drug store. But it is not allowed. And I am running dangerously low on the self-tanner I got last year.
And my wrinkle. Oh, that wrinkle. I have a giant crevice in between my ungroomed eyebrows, created from years of being crabby and frowning. I sprinkle salt in there, and people dip crudites in my forehead at parties. So at least it's useful. I need that area Botoxed so bad. So bad.
And I know I am a jerk. I read about that poor woman who was on the oxygen tank, and she couldn't pay her $122 electric bill, so they cut off her electricity and she died. Now, there is someone with a real problem. I know that the fact that Theodore Roosevelt has paid Panama for control of my forehead is nothing compared to that.
So I guess I will suck it up for another SEVEN MONTHS.
And please, nobody buy me any tanning cream or masks or anything. I feel bad enough not being able to buy anybody anything. I have another wedding coming up and I'm giving the IOU wedding card. I wish I was good at crafts and I could be all, "Look! (I am Dick and Jane again.) I made you this priceless meaningful quilt that you can pass down for generations." Yeah, not so much.
It sent another friend a Hallmark birthday e-card yesterday, which is free and it's better than not acknowledging these birthdays at all, and the friend wrote back and said, "A bunch of us are going to dinner to celebrate my birthday tonight! You should come!"
Well, that was awkward. If I wrote back and said, "Remember? I can't." you KNOW she would've said, "Oh, come on! It's on me!" and I just couldn't bring myself to be on someone yet again, so to speak. So I just didn't write her back. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I could've just lied and said, "Got plans, sorry!" but that didn't occur to me till just now.
So, that's the latest in the not-spending world. We have 15 big ones; Gopher, Julie and all the guests on the Pacific Princess are sailing between my brows; and my friends, one by one, are going to break up with me.
At least I have the afternoon free!