Thursday, November 29, 2007

Not Very Artychoke

Yesterday, I almost died at the nursing home. Which is kind of funny, because if some sick bastard out there is placing bets on who dies there next, probably the 42-year-old volunteer is not high on the list. I am kind of the dark horse in that bet, I think.

You know how sometimes you are just sitting there, eating and drinking NOTHING, yet somehow you kind of swallow wrong and cough and sputter? So, I was plugging in the tape player to play Miss Lilly's book on tape (we are on the SAME BOOK still! I go there twice a week. I have been there since September. We are NOT listening to War and Peace. Will this story never END?), and when I stood up, I did that choking on nothing thing.

Only it was really bad! I felt like I couldn't do ANYTHING: breathe out, breathe in, cough, talk. Just then a nurse, or maybe she was an aide, or maybe just some person off the street who really likes scrubs, came in. "How much longer you gonna be with Miss Lilly?" she asked me.

I couldn't say anything.

"Cause I gotta give her her shower," she said.

At this point, I had raised my arms up over my head, like I was riding a roller coaster except for the COMPLETE LACK OF FUN part.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

"Meeep!" I managed to gasp.

"You need me to call a ambyoulaaance?" Even though I was not breathing, I was fascinated by the way she said "ambulance."

Fortunately, I was suddenly able to cough and I croaked, "I'm okay. I was just choking on nothing, is all."

"Well, you get yourself together and I'll get Miss Lilly in the shower."

Okay, Miss Sympathy, thanks! Geez! Get myself together. Like I was having an hysterical fit or something.

My near death experience aside, I am losing my mind about Christmas. I am TERRIBLE at making things! It's way stressier than trying to just BUY something, let me tell you. Why do I have no artistic ability? Can I make paint by numbers pictures for everyone? How about I just spend $20 per person? That interpretive dance is sounding better and better.

Anyway, I have to go back to the church because Christmas? Turns out it's a busy time of year at the old church. Who knew?

I'll try not to phantom choke for the rest of the day.

11 comments:

Linda .. the Aussie one! said...

Have you ever seen those cookie kits people make .. you know the ones .. they put the ingredients in cute little layers in a mason jar then tie the cooking instructions on a raffia tie around the lid that has been covered with pretty material .. well .. even a craft challenged person could make them .. so you could make all and sundry one of those for Christmas! :o)

StotheL said...

Good luck with it all! I'm having a "Merry Craftmas" party this weekend to accomplish the same thing. We're making candies and flavored nut mixes. What are you trying?

dcrmom said...

Oh how I hate the phantom choke. And it always happens at the most embarrassing moment.

Stressier - of all your made-up words, I think this is my favorite.

Anna said...

My advice for the Christmas presents:
-espresso bark (melt choc. chips in microwave, stir in some whole coffee beans, pour on wax paper/foil on a cookie sheet, freeze, break into pieces)
-homemade dog biscuits for anyone with dogs. Dogs like everything.

Bronwyn said...

Linda and anna both have great ideas! there are lots of fun "chocolate barks" you can make, one with crushed candy canes on them are pretty festive. And, because I am procrastinating, I was watching the Food Network when all of the sudden, Paula Dean came on. Usually, she drives me crazy. But she had a ton of recipes like what Linda the Aussie one is talking about, both savory and sweet. You could look her up online, because I know you can only watch Reba!

Good luck at the hair salon and have fun!

June Cutoff Cash said...

I agree with Bronwyn, those ideas ARE great! I'd have to buy a Mason jar, but so what? And raffia. But still.

And stothel, I sat in front of the cross stitch section at WalMart for about 45 minutes yesterday but decided it was spending and that I'd really suck at it anyway.

Anonymous said...

I like plain dark chocolate--no nuts.

sister in law said...

Me too

Kellie said...

Are you allowed to buy supplies if you make something? 'Cuz honestly making things costs money too.

I think you are creative, you just have to tap into that creativity!

How about baked goods? I have some simple recipes for goodies. Who doesn't love home baked goodness at Christmas time?

Also, do you and Marvie celebrate Hanukkah? If so Happy Hanukkah!!

eggandcheesesandwich said...

I'll be sitting there, minding my own business, not eating or drinking anything when all of a sudden a GIANT hiccup will come out. It's almost as much fun as choking on nothing.

Emily said...

I am so sorry that I am laughing my big butt off at your choking-on-nothing experience. What did poor Miss Lilly say??