Monday, April 9, 2007


Remember a few weeks ago when I went to the eye doctor? Are you keeping track of every move I make? Have you got my photo as your computer wallpaper? Why not?

Okay, so if you're not completely obsessed with me, I'll remind you that a few weeks ago I went to the eye doctor. And I'd once again like to thank my parents for the fine genes. Did I get my mother's large, sexy lips? No. My father's athletic abilities? No. My great-grandmother's cleaning and organizing gene? No sir.

The BLIND AS AN EYELESS SHRIMP IN A MINE gene?! Why, yes. Yes, I did.

So, I am going to come out now and tell you what I do for a living. I am a proofreader. Which means I read every letter of every word with excruciating slowness, searching for inaccuracies.

If you are now thinking, "Oh a proofreader. How fun. I love to read," please let me take this opportunity to fill your nasal cavities with a fast-hardening cement. You do not love to PROOFread. You love to read a nice novel. You like to catch up on that Miss Marple, see what shenanigans she is up to now. So do I. That, however, is not PROOFREADING. Unless you read like this: "Y (capital Y? Yes.)ou caaann copyyy saaaved (saved past tense? Yeah. Okay.) dataaaa (data? Are they using data as a plural? Are they using data as a plural in the rest of this thing? Okay.) (Wait. Didn't it say 10 pages ago that you CAN'T copy saved data? Hang on.)..."

That is what I do all day. That is what I have done all day for the last 10 years. And on my lunch hour? I read. After work? I like to do me some reading.

You can imagine the fine effect this has had on my eyes.

So I went to the eye doctor because although I have not been able to see far away since I was in 9th grade, I am now noticing that I cannot see beans close up. Why I need to see beans is beyond me. But what I DO need to see is 6-point type, and I need to know that something says "cancelled" instead of "canceled" in that 6-point type. I mean, cancelled versus canceled is a big deal in my world.

Well, it turns out that I need bifocals. Bifocals. Homo erectus called. He wonders why I'm so fucking old. Bifocals.

So, here is the problem. I would have to turn in my normal, young person glasses and get bifocal lenses put in. But I would ALSO have to buy reading glasses, as I also wear contacts. There are times I have to wear contacts, like at yoga and softball and when I am trying to not look hideous. My eye doctor does not recommend that I get bifocal contacts, and in fact does not recommend I wear contacts at work at all. Bifocal contacts. Who even knew there was such a thing? Do they have teeny tiny lines on the bottoms where the bifocals go?

The OTHER option was to get LASIK surgery. I would still probably need reading glasses, but they would be a mild prescription, and then most of the time I could go around without eleventy pairs of glasses (beleaguered office mate is SO happy that his use of the fine word "eleventy" has rubbed off on me).

So, I had been leaning toward the LASIK, but it costs $4,000 and you know we are not spending, obviously, as this is the whole POINT of this blog. Believe it or not.

But this story has a happy ending. I was relaying all of this to my friend at work, who happens to work in HR. She said, "Why don't you use our flex spending benefit, and save up for the surgery?" Turns out we have this benefit at work where if you need to save for some medical thing, you can have them take pre-tax money out of your paycheck and they save it up for you. Who knew? Well, technically, I should have known, since I JUST PROOFREAD THE ENTIRE EMPLOYEE MANUAL NOT TWO MONTHS AGO.

I never said I was a GOOD proofreader.

Finally, I am excited to tell you that faithful reader
stie has nominated me for a Thinking Blogger award! I still don't actually know what all it means. I'll have to THINK about it! Bahahahahah! My thanks to stie for this nomination. Anyway, stie has a lovely pink blog, which as many of you know is what matters to me. Everything should be pink, in my opinion. Except maybe my eye. See that? How I tied the whole theme together? No wonder you're obsessed with me.


i'm not lisa i used to be cute said...

By George, June....I just had the eyeball conversation with your mother this afternoon. I went to the eye doctor too. I do not need bifocals yet but my prescription has changed drastically ...and it is not good....and LASIK surgery is indeed $4000.00 buckaroos even in this neck of the woods. For the love of Pete...old eyeballs, furry lips, and wild hairs growing out of Witch Hazel moles.... You know....if I can't even see, you would think that I wouldn't be too concerned with the furry lips and the eleventy moles with the wild hairs growing out of them. I am also beginning to notice a flap of skin hanging between my chin and my a rubber chicken. bawk bawk

Kelly Garrett said...

I think it is okay to spend money on lasik surgery. It's not like you hate the way you look in glasses and are having it done for that reason. It's a medical expense. After all, if you went to the dentist and needed a root canal, would you really wait until January 2008 to take care of it?

June Cutoff Cash said...

I am horrified of the dentist, Kelly. Hor.ri.fied. I would wait until the year 2012 to get a root canal, and pray that I am run over by a train first.

And there is some debate over whether this is medical. New glasses? Yeah. Medical. But LASIK is more of a luxury. I think.

June Cutoff Cash said...

Oh, and to i'm not lisa...

The Nair does not burn. And Winston did not go bald.

I feel like Ann Landers when she would have that mysterious "Confidential to..." paragraph at the end of her column.

Adeline Dimond said...

I have that flex spending account at my job, and it is fantastic!!! Not just for lasik, but for all the other things you must buy, but feel annoyed that you have to: contact solution, advil, co-pays, etc. I've been doing it for two years now, and I can't stop talking about it. AND, since it's pre-tax dollars, I bet it would help with that pesky owing-money-to the-IRS issue. Do it.

i'm not lisa said...

I had the flex spending deal at my old was a great thing. Don't you think that insurance companies should pay for SOME of the cost of the lasik surgery? It seems like in the long run, it would save money with the eye exams and the glasses etc. I agree with Kelly Garrett...June, if you opt for the lasik, I think you should do it.

dcrmom said...

Snorrrrrrrrt. The only thing funnier than this post is this comment.

I am horrified of the dentist, Kelly. Hor.ri.fied. I would wait until the year 2012 to get a root canal, and pray that I am run over by a train first.

And I SO agree, but you knew that. That is, if you've faithfully read all my archives like any good bloggy friend should have. ;-)

Kelly Garrett said...

Thought this would interest someone with "tool-ish" interests:

The lakeside mansion of the late Johnny and June Carter Cash burned to the ground in Hendersonville, Tenn., yesterday. It's not known what started the fire. Barry Gibb of Bee Gees fame bought the home last year and was planning to restore it. Neighbor Richard Sterban, one of the Oak Ridge Boys, told reporters, "Maybe it's the good Lord's way to make sure that it was only Johnny's house."

Marty: said...

I thought my eyebrows had stopped growing. They didn't seem to be spreading down my eyelid any more. My chin was feeling softer...almost downy, in fact. Could it be the Olay really worked? Then I got my new bifocals. Aha! Eyebrows growing everywhere, long and soft even on the bottom of my face. And to think the rest of the world could see me perfectly well all that time.

I love your blog, and your commentators are funny, too. Visit me sometime.