Thursday, March 1, 2007

Humiliating yourself is free

I have an announcement to make, and if you actually know me, brace yourself. Cause you're gonna pee down your own leg giggling when you hear this.

I have joined my workplace's softball team.

I will give my friends and family a moment to compose themselves.

I know I have said it before, but seriously. I am the

least.

athletic.

person.

you.

know.

Stephen Hawking is more athletic than I am.

I cannot ride a bike. I learned how and I forgot. Yes, I know the saying, and I am here to tell you it is untrue. My father spent what seems like years running behind me, holding my bike, run-run-running, then he'd let go of my bike and I'd fall over.

Finally, he bribed my pal Caroline Jeeter to teach me, telling her he'd send her to camp with me. Caroline told me, "You are gonnna LEARN" and in a week she had me riding my two-wheeler. Then guess what? I HATED camp and came home early and -- surprise! -- could no longer ride a bike.

I also cannot go under water without plugging my nose. I will spare you a similar story of my father spending every vacation with me in various hotel pools, actually paying me to go under water for one second.

Are you gleaning that athletic endeavors do not come naturally to me?

When I was in elementary school and they did that horrid thing where they pick teams, I was always second to last, before the poor asthmatic girl. Those no-nonsense athletic types, the types who STILL HATE ME TO THIS DAY, would sigh, look at me and the asthma girl, and say, "Okay, 'JUNE,' I guess."

So, those same no-nonsense girls, including a coworker who wants me to call her The Gnasher, are including me in this team sport at my workplace. Why they are doing so is beyond me. I think they have no idea just how bad I am at this. Today when I asked if I could have a pink glove, I think they started to catch on.

Which brings me to my first dilemma. I am doing this nightmarish thing cause (a) I can't be afraid of down-to-earth girls my whole life, and (b) it'll keep me amused on my spend-free weekends. But I DO have to acquire a glove.

I am actually not so worried. You'd be amazed at how many things have been coming to me since I gave up spending. Someone I barely know at work just gave me some really nice pink pomegranate soap. Someone else gave me a Starbucks gift certificate. I got taken out to lunch by the WIFE of a coworker this week. So I have the feeling a pink baseball glove will somehow manifest itself.

And speaking of my athletic prowess, I know I have previously mentioned how I live near some stables. Well, one of my friends who owns a horse says she can help me learn to ride, for free! Now, where did that come from?

So, that's what's new here in no-spend land. I will let you know if the athletes give me a swirly.

11 comments:

dcrmom said...

No. You are NOT the least athletic person I know. I AM. Good luck on the pink glove!

Anonymous said...

We've seen youbowl, you were a natural, didn't you break 100 once? We remember the look on your face at the prospect of renting shoes.

You can play catcher, just pretend your bowling, pick up the ball after it stops moving and roll it back to the pitcher, you can do it!

ex bowling teammates

Anonymous said...

And running the Marathon was...? Perhaps you can spend the time just running around the bases(those are the cotton big ravioli looking things)

Kelly Garrett said...

You can play catch with me if you want to practice. I'll show you how to be athletic just like an angel.

sabrina duncan said...

I am terrified for you and your team. When the ball comes your way, keep your eyes open and DO NOT DUCK. Do you have athletic shoes? Please do not play in mules or you will be in the emergency room, and that is not cheap.

Angels are athletic. Maybe you should go to the police academy for a little preperatory training.

Kelly Garrett said...

Where's Jill when we need her?

Peppy Whitemore said...

I am concerned about the toll this endeavor will have on your "weak wrists". And yes,I am pleased to report that if you do go ahead with this insanity finding a pink glove should present little difficulty. Although you will find little use for it in right field as that is where they typically put the "strong players" such as yourself.

O'Brien said...

I saw her run the damn marathon, and she's telling the truth. Stephen Hawking was in the same marathon and he DID look more atheletic than her.

i'm not lisa said...

I saw a pink ball glove at Target a few weeks ago. If I had any money, June Carter Cash, I would send you the pink glove. I think it was a child's ball glove.I have been on a couple different ball teams and I found it easier to use a youth ball glove rather than an adult one. You might too...

i'm not lisa said...

You know...not only have you ran a marathon but you are very much more coordinated than I am. You can do The Firm. I couldn't. I went to a step aerobics class and the instructor suggested that I do something else.

Rosie Papaya said...

I just googled Pink Baseball Glove (how did I ever survive before google?) and found some amazing results. Check out this pink and black Girl's Rule Lightning Series:

http://www.sportsunlimitedinc.com/rawlings-ls95p-girl-s-rule-lightning-series-9-5-youth-light-up-pink-baseball-glove-left-hand-throw.html

June, can you wear youth sizes?