This will bore you unless you are female or a drag queen

It is Wednesday morning and I do not have time to talk to you, girl. I have not gotten ready for work yet and it is 6:20 a.m. This is not good.

But I had to tell you about some staple items I have run out of, namely my favorite lipstick and my hair conditioner.

Before I began my year of not spending, I went on drugstore.com, which I love, or used to love, and ordered me several bottles of my John Freida conditioner and shampoo for curly hair. Back when I used to spend money, I actually WENT to the John Freida/Sally Hershberger salon, which is lovely, may I add. It has a pool. In the middle. No one ever actually goes in the pool, which I think is a shame. Often there are lilies and lily pads floating in said pool, but that's it.

It used to be Neil Diamond's office, this salon, in the 1970s. Can you imagine the '70s goings-on that must have occurred in that place? It kind of makes me want to shower when I am in there. Or have a dip in the lily pool.

At any rate, I use conditioner way more than I use shampoo, and now I am out of conditioner. I have 78 tiny tubes of that conditioner they give you when you dye your hair out of a box, so I am using that until I get to CVS and get, per our deal, the cheapest conditioner possible. Oh, this is going to be so not pretty.

I apologize in advance to anyone who has to actually see me on a daily basis.

Then my favorite lipstick, which was a sheer glossy pink, wore out. I was continuing to use it even though what I was mostly doing was scratching my lips. I considered using a lip brush and digging in there for the rest, but how pretentious is it to use a lip brush out in public? Why don't I get a cigarette holder while I'm at it?

So now I have an old tube of MAC Twig (1997 called. It wants its look back) and a glossy gold (Diana Ross called. She wants her gloss back) and a sort of garish bright pink "tint." (The mom on the Wonder Years called...oh you get the drift).

Oh. There is also a berry pink, which makes me look vaguely insane.

Have I apologized to those who have to see me regularly?

Okay, eight minutes have passed and I have to shower, dress and pack a lunch before 6:45. It's like a little challenge. A challenge for mom on The Wonder Years.