Cavity Search

You know what song I could go the rest of my life not hearing? Saturday (horn)/ in the park (horn)/ I think it was the 4th of Julyyyy (horn horn horn horn).

I hate horns in songs.

That was neither here nor there. I have GATHERED you all HERE today to tell you I had to spend $49.80 on a medical expense, and I am glad that was all I spent.

I had to go to the dentist. There is really nothing worse for me in life than having to go to the dentist.

I used to be a normal person about my teeth. I have had root canals and then was able to go right back to work. Then one day something bad happened which I will not tell you about, because you don't want to know. Really. You don't.

After that I was COMPLETELY freaked out by the dentist. One time I made Marvin Gardens go with me, when I needed a crown put on. He sat in the lobby for quite a while, and right when he formed the thought, "Gee, it's been awhile. She must be doing okay," he saw a person run through the lobby with a bib flying out behind her. I had JUMPED UP from the dentist's chair and had run out into the parking lot. Marvin had to talk me back in, and he had to sit on the end of my chair while they finished the crown.

But that was before I found Dr. Bieber. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that he is the best dentist EVER. He puts up with me, (a), and (b), he has never, ever hurt me once. And he has warm cookies there.

This does not mean that I am not still horrified every time I go in. One time he was working on me and his assistant said, "Doctor, your mother is calling from New York" and he said, "Tell her I'm working on June." Oh, but I am a pleasure to have as a dental patient.

When you do need to get something awful done: a filling, a crown, impressions (I HATE impressions. Oh God, all that guck in your mouth, it suffocates me and I TOTALLY PANIC. Have I mentioned what I pleasure I must be as a dental patient?), they give you these goggles that you put on and you can watch a MOVIE. I watched Titanic there, and also What Women Want with the then-charming Mel Gibson.

There is also this little wand? That they put in your mouth? And you can look on the TV in the room and SEE YOUR OWN TEETH UP THERE! My TEETH are on TV! Only in Hollywood. Or Toluca Lake, in Dr. Bieber's case.

At any rate, for weeks now my tooth has been hurting. It felt like someone pulled up my gum and exposed the nerve. It hurt like the dickens (what does that phrase mean?) and I kept hope hope hoping it'd go away. But it did not, so I made an appointment. I laid awake for TWO HOURS last night, from like 1 to 3, dreading this dental visit.

But you know it was fine? I just needed some sensitivity gel and if that doesn't work there is just this little procedure...

So $49.80. Fine. No horrid procedure. Yet. Fine.

In conclusion, I beg you, BEG BEG BEG you not to email me with dental horror stories. Trust me, my mind has dental horror stories up in there already. And yes, I saw Marathon Man.