Humiliating yourself is free

I have an announcement to make, and if you actually know me, brace yourself. Cause you're gonna pee down your own leg giggling when you hear this.

I have joined my workplace's softball team.

I will give my friends and family a moment to compose themselves.

I know I have said it before, but seriously. I am the

least.

athletic.

person.

you.

know.

Stephen Hawking is more athletic than I am.

I cannot ride a bike. I learned how and I forgot. Yes, I know the saying, and I am here to tell you it is untrue. My father spent what seems like years running behind me, holding my bike, run-run-running, then he'd let go of my bike and I'd fall over.

Finally, he bribed my pal Caroline Jeeter to teach me, telling her he'd send her to camp with me. Caroline told me, "You are gonnna LEARN" and in a week she had me riding my two-wheeler. Then guess what? I HATED camp and came home early and -- surprise! -- could no longer ride a bike.

I also cannot go under water without plugging my nose. I will spare you a similar story of my father spending every vacation with me in various hotel pools, actually paying me to go under water for one second.

Are you gleaning that athletic endeavors do not come naturally to me?

When I was in elementary school and they did that horrid thing where they pick teams, I was always second to last, before the poor asthmatic girl. Those no-nonsense athletic types, the types who STILL HATE ME TO THIS DAY, would sigh, look at me and the asthma girl, and say, "Okay, 'JUNE,' I guess."

So, those same no-nonsense girls, including a coworker who wants me to call her The Gnasher, are including me in this team sport at my workplace. Why they are doing so is beyond me. I think they have no idea just how bad I am at this. Today when I asked if I could have a pink glove, I think they started to catch on.

Which brings me to my first dilemma. I am doing this nightmarish thing cause (a) I can't be afraid of down-to-earth girls my whole life, and (b) it'll keep me amused on my spend-free weekends. But I DO have to acquire a glove.

I am actually not so worried. You'd be amazed at how many things have been coming to me since I gave up spending. Someone I barely know at work just gave me some really nice pink pomegranate soap. Someone else gave me a Starbucks gift certificate. I got taken out to lunch by the WIFE of a coworker this week. So I have the feeling a pink baseball glove will somehow manifest itself.

And speaking of my athletic prowess, I know I have previously mentioned how I live near some stables. Well, one of my friends who owns a horse says she can help me learn to ride, for free! Now, where did that come from?

So, that's what's new here in no-spend land. I will let you know if the athletes give me a swirly.