Friday, November 2, 2007

Being a hypochondriac is free

I was at the library today, and I decided I had that antibiotic-resistant staph disease. What is it? SARS? MERF? MILF? I forget.

There was a list at the library that tells you the symptoms of whatever it's called, and I had ALL THE SYMPTOMS.

You should know what in my lifetime I have diagnosed myself with spinal meningitis, an aneurysm, yellow fever, Lyme disease and sickle cell anemia.

I wish the above were just diseases I thought of that sounded bad so I listed them, but no, I really mean it. Sometimes I even go to the doctor to get tested, but then I had like nine doctors in a row QUIT or DIE, so I stopped pursuing these things and decided to suffer in silence.

Again, I wish the above paragraph were an exaggeration to be funny, but again, I am not making this up.

So you can imagine Marvin Gardens' delight when I called him at work, from the parking lot of the library, to tell him I had that SERF or TURF or whatever. (WHAT is it called? Is forgetting the name of it a symptom?)

Well. When I told Marvin about my disease du jour, he was snappish! That man has no heart. "I'm standing here with 50 screaming kids," he groused. "Well, don't answer your phone, then," I groused back. I have a DISEASE, after all. I can be crabby. It's probably the fever talking.

Anyway, I drove home from the library, thinking about how much I hate it when people answer their cell phones when they cannot talk. Seriously? If you can't talk, DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE! Or if you need to let the caller know you're alive, pick up and say, "Hi! I can't talk!" But don't let the person tell you about their new scary antibiotic-resistant disease and them blow them off so they feel like a fool.

When I got inside, the phone was ringing and it was Marvin.

"WHAT," I said.

"You have to get to the school right away. There are 10 puppies in -- "

"I'll be right there," I said.

I got in the car at 2:27, and got to the school at 2:31. I would have screamed over there sooner but some guy with a Confederate flag bumper sticker was driving like seven miles an hour ahead of me.

Do you know in the back yard facing Marvin's school there are 10 of the sweetest boxer puppies you ever did see? Oh! They're cute! I watched them for the longest time, while every fifth grader in the county said, "Mr. Gardens, is that your wife?"

After asking Marvin if we could have one, oh, maybe 49 times, I left, to the sound of every fifth grader in the county saying, "Goodbye, Mr. Gardens' wife!"

You know? I think I recovered from my disease.


Holly said...

I think MRSA is the disease you're talking about. Glad you're cured. :)

Anonymous said...

Puppies will always cure what ails ya

Tee said...

Oh! Do you think you might get a puppy? I bet that will make your cats REAL happy! :-( Go glad your cured.

Anonymous said...

I think it's called MENSA.

And I ALSO lose my mind when people answer the cell when they can't talk! GAH! My Mom does this incessantly and it makes me want to divorce her like that one kid did to his parents about 10 years ago.

Seriously. Don't answer your phone if you can't talk. I hate this with a passion.


June Cutoff Cash said...

Yes. I have MENSA. That much is obvious.

Sid Leavitt said...

Milf? I think you're getting too much porn in your comment spam.

Burbanmom said...

You can't have MILF, I have MILF. I love to go to Starbucks and order a Mocha Iced Latte Frappacino because then they put the abbreviation MILF on your cup and it makes you feel like a Hottie.

Glad you don't have NASA.

Guilty Secret said...

He he - that was a funny post :)

I's so with you on the answering the phone thing... don't pick up if you're busy!

Kellie said...

It's MRSA, and you would know if you had it. It involves an infected wound, doesn't go away but gets much, much worse, quickly, and you die if it isn't treated.

How is that for a happy little story?

But it is going around. As a matter of fact you have reminded me of a post I meant to write...Thank you, June, You are always so good to me!

cpwoman55 said...

MENSA is a organization for very smart people. I think you could join.

June Cutoff Cash said...


What makes you think I'm not a huge MENSA member already?


Stie: My Favorite Things said...

Oh, June, we are soul sisters. I, too, have diagnosed myself with everything under the sun and currently believe I am suffering from a benign brain tumor.

My husband loves to say in his best Arnold voice, "It's not a tumah." I think it is.

LOVED this post. Made me laugh so hard. And did you get that puppy after all?

Linda .. the Aussie one! said...

I am glad your desease is now cured! I have decided that I have got CRAFT! I Can't Remember A Frigging Thing!

So .. you going to get a puppy or was Marvin just teasing you!

June Cutoff Cash said...

No, we cannot get a puppy. I just told Tee this on her site, but I will admit to the world at large that we have a nutty nutty nutbar 25-pound cat who would NOT be able to handle a dog.

He can't handle a BLANKET. Scares him to death. Also, leather coats? Terrify him.

Just ask my mother-in-law, who he has punched in the face not once but twice. Apparently she scares him, too.

Anonymous said...

That is the truth. I would look forward to a "boxing" match between a certain cat and a puppy. Go puppy.
I still flinch when anything with paws comes near my cheek.

The Hotfessional said...

Oh yes, puppies are definitely a cure-all. Mix them with some kittehs and you're immortal.

Also, kids who can't believe their teacher actually (shhhh) is married! And has a life outside the classroom?

All that cuteness in one spot. Lucky you.